Why does adulting mean that changes to your personality some how need to be justified or even emphasised for other people’s benefit?
I’m not sure if this makes sense, I’m struggling to word it. What I’m trying to say is that friends who have known you for years tend to know exactly what you’re like as a person and maybe don’t see the changes you make to yourself as readily as you might think.
I have always been quite a negative person. It’s something I became very aware of and self conscious about through secondary school and sixth form. I was even described just the other day as a glass half empty kind of person.
It makes me feel really bad about myself, like maybe I’m not enjoyable to be around when people just see you as negative energy rather than anything else. I think this makes me question myself and what I say out loud more, so you sometimes feel like you’re stepping on egg shells.
I think my mum raised me to be sensible and practical, and so sometimes I’m too realistic and question how certain things can be possible. Therefore coming across as a glass half empty mentality.
I’ve always understood constraints. I’ve also always struggled to see how constraints can be altered, therefore often seeing dreams as just that, dreams. That’s real sad, I know. I’ve never had the go-getter attitude of business men or olympic athletes, I hand on heart wish I did but I tend to give up, something I hate more than anything.
Bali gave me a taste of possibility but since being home, it’s bitter sweet because I don’t know how to make that happen again any time soon and it also doesn’t feel like it could be long term, every year do some exotic travelling. I regret not doing a gap year when I didn’t have responsibilities to pay for, so that all my money could go on travel, but at the time it wasn’t for me. So I can’t really regret my decision at all, it’s something I wish I could tell younger me to give it a go. I asked a friend how she has managed to travel so much and she just said, “I guess I’m really lucky that I have parents that support me, so that I can save all the money I earn.”
My parents are supportive in their own ways, I’m not saying they aren’t, we’ve had enough money but I was also taught very early about the value of money and I think it scared me. I always worried about it, it’s only in the past year that I’d say I’ve gone a bit OTT spending my money on whatever I want, in part due to getting a new car so feeling safer about it not breaking down and having to fork out a ton of money, so I’ve had money available. I do feel like I’ve always been very independent because of certain aspects of my life. Friends always tell me I’m such an adult for being so independent, but I always tell them I don’t feel it, but in comparison to some of them, I can sort of function as an adult without my parents. I don’t think I had the choice though, I have been more independent and doing adulty things because I’ve had to be. So all of my adult(ish) practicality has probably made me a half empty kind of person.
Being told I’m negative has bothered me a great deal. It’s something my dad openly admits to being and tells me not to do. The thing is, I think I am so much more positive than I used to be and I wish people could see that. I wish at the slightest sign of a lack of positivity (which is usually me trying to say something practical), people didn’t jump down my throat and tell me to stop being negative because I’m not like I used to be. AND if for one day this week I say something negative, get over yourselves. Everyone has bad days and feels negative, L I T E R A L L Y – E V E R Y O N E. So I haven’t done anything wrong and you shouldn’t make me feel like I have. Everyone can’t be positive all the time.
Adulting is realising that people aren’t who they used to be and supporting that.
Thanking my lucky stars for the friends that remind you that everyone has negative thoughts or bad days once in a while, particularly when other people make you feel less than you should because of your mood.
Even if I am being negative, if I am aware of it and trying to improve it, than where’s the harm in that?
MAYBE my glass is half empty but maybe it’s full of beer, that way I can be practical, yet positive.
I think I might actually look into doing a post on changing mental attitude changes. I could try and bring more positivity into my life and see what works and doesn’t for me. Let me know what you think in the comments below!