Welcome to rock bottom

There’s gonna be some brutal honesty and a lot of crying!

I’m not ashamed to say that I recently hit rock bottom with how I saw myself in the mirror and how I felt about my appearance.

I tried a dress on for an event that made me feel like all hope was lost. This wasn’t one of those times when I wasn’t exaggerating and just having a bloated day, nothing about the dress suited me. In theory it should have been a gorgeous dress, on the right girl, but the style was never going to work for me. I knew as soon as I put it on that it wasn’t flattering, my mum and boyfriend couldn’t even tell me that it looked nice on me.

It then turned out that there were no other dress options for the event and that’s when the anxiety of the whole situation took over. If I wasn’t crying over how the dress made me feel, I was on the brink of throwing up from the worry due to friendship dramas involved with the whole situation.

I know this comes down to why wear a dress that makes you feel that way but it could have been any dress that gave me my realisation moment, unfortunately, it happened to be this one. I keep telling myself I’m trying to lose weight for myself, and I am, but in many ways I’m doing it BECAUSE of this dress, because that’s the dress that hit me with the realisation.

I had been toying with the idea of getting a PT for about a year but had never had the money whilst at my last job. I’d always tried hard to stick to the gym and healthy eating but never been able to keep myself in check after a couple of weeks of doing well, so a PT seemed like a great idea, then I’d have someone to answer to.

Comfortable and Confident

I want to tell you that I’m comfortable and confident in my skin, I really want to, but that would be a lie. I’ve always struggled with this, like so many girls but all the body confidence magazines and tweets and instagrams can’t save the social rules surrounding girl’s bodies. However, I realised recently, huddled around a small table in a new bar that we were trying out, that none of my friends are ever truly comfortable in themselves 100% of the time. These are gorgeous girls that work hard for the bodies they have and yet still don’t feel 10/10. The thing is, I don’t even feel comfortable 50% of the time.

So there I am, crying, hiding the dress somewhere in the house so that I can pretend it doesn’t exist and feeling sick at the idea of telling my friend that her one large bridesmaid can’t wear the dress.

And then I think maybe if I just throw up, the dress will fit and I’ll feel better. It seemed like the only logical thought and the only way this damn dress would ever fit. THIS was rock bottom.

LUCKILY then the other half of my brain woke up from the nightmare dress and told me not to be so silly.

Like I understand this all sound so dramatic over a dress and omg how could I say things like that in a blog that people, who know me, read? But why have a blog if I can’t be honest and occasionally write something real and personal to me? If you don’t like it, the X is in the top right hand corner of your screen…

I had started trying to count calories and go to gym exercise classes with help from my boyfriend. He loves the gym and always tries to encourage me to stick with exercise and weighing out my food when ever I’ve tried to lose weight and be healthy again.

Photo of two women in the gym by Meghan Holmes on Unsplash

Personal Trainer

That’s where Ben comes in. A good friend has been having weekly PT session with Ben for a little over a year and couldn’t sing his praises more! I’d also spoken to friends that are gym instructors and they had also recommended him.

When I wrote this, it had been a little over a month and I loved the training and the help I was getting – I still do! I’m stronger than I ever thought I was and my weight has been slowly dropping. I’m 3 months in and I’d say I’ve hit a little patch where it’s fluctuating but I just need to refocus!

I’m beginning to notice the difference in my body, my legs always lose weight first, probably from all the leg weights I do, it’s been no different this time. My arms have toned up more and I think I’ve lost a bit of weight around my cheeks. I have definitely noticed the psychological difference, I feel happier about myself and the steps I’m finally taking.

I would note that I have recently felt a little off balance psychologically, more sad or tired, but I think it’s just a winter thing and I’m working on it. I’m also hoping with more focus again on my diet and the gym, I’ll be back to normal!

There’s always been something satisfying about the muscle aches after a good gym session and now it feels even better knowing how hard I’m working for it!

So…

This is in no way supposed to tell everyone to get a PT or to join the gym because that’s the only way to feel great. It’s not. I have friends looking into Yoga and Reflexology, friends doing juice detoxes, friends using the Headspace App and friends who find climbing into bed and recuperating is exactly what they need. My point is that everyone needs something different.

I think it’s difficult to know what society is telling you that you should want and what you actually want with the different conflicting stories that magazines and social media tell you. One minute they’re telling you it’s ok to be whatever size you are and they’re attempting to teach body confidence, contrasted by another Kardashian or pop star who has time to train multiple times a day on the cover of their magazine, who can also afford surgery to become what they want but also advertises a detox tea that they’ve never even tasted!

For me, there’s half of me telling myself we’re huge and the other half saying as long as we’re healthy and happy, does it matter? The good and the bad just causes more internal conflict about the issue.

What’s your actual point?

Motivational quote""

My point is, find what YOU need, what suits you. Do what feels right. For me, being strong and knowing my body can cope with more than I ever thought is the confidence I need. For me, having a PT means they push me and means I’m not trying to work out what to do on my own. I walk into the gym confidently, I know what I’m doing and slowly, I’m building the weight up and earning my place in the free weights area! Yes I will use a bench and do my 6kg shoulder press, and no I will not feel bad for using up a bench just because you can lift more than me.

Luckily, most people at my gym are pretty chill and tbh, the people that judge are few and far between. You own the gym, and your space, no matter who you are. The gym is for everyone. 

FINALLY (I promise!)

The dress is never going to suit me but hopefully I can feel comfortable and confident about myself and my body whilst I wear it…

…and if not, I can always hope the reception comes around quickly so that I can get changed! Wish me luck…

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One thought on “Welcome to rock bottom

Add yours

  1. You are very brave saying all this, you hid it well, you’d not said a word to me about this.
    You are beautiful inside and out and if the gym is making you feel better about yourself that is good. Tim always says he misses his running and the exhilaration it gave him, but his knees and hip prevent that now.
    I don’t like my body size, but being ‘old’ I just think feck it now, I don’t care, but that’s just me. 😁
    You will always be beautiful to me, both inside and out. Love you loads 😘😘😘xxx

    Like

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